He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
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