i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
Can you confirm that Victor fucked a girl for Jack in the Box tacos?
I cannot, but I know he fucked a girl for a Nerf hoop and a "Kingpin" dvd.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
I'm just saying. If this how my magic vagina shows it's magic then I don't want any
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
Randomize
