So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
He said he's in to distance fucking. I thought he just mean long durations. We fucked on a towel all the way down his tile hallway accross his kitchen and into the living room
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
send nudes
from the living room?
Randomize
