my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
just walked out of chelsea's house and saw cameron slapping his dick against her car. cant even make this shit up if i tried.
she told me she was pregnant in a never have i ever game
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
Randomize
