I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
I'm a full-grown woman and thusly I expect my sphincters to behave themselves.
In case you were wondering I realized something last night, Rick James was correct. Cocaine is a hell of a drug.
If my one night stand asked me to move in with him right after does it still count as a one nighter?
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
Randomize
