I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
GO HOME AND LIKE EVERYTHING ON COLT'S FACEBOOK UNTIL 2007.
Wtf it's a Friday night?
PRIORITIZE.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
Randomize
