I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
Disappointment?
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
his mom walked in, looked at me, sighed n nsaid 'when are u gonna learn' n walked out
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
I mean there are real risks associated with having unprotected sex, but I don’t think I need to worry about a ghost possessing me and having unprotected sex while using my body
Yo did you say we are blacking out saturday night and playing dodgeball?
Yeah for relay for life. Its for cancer
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
Randomize
