My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
Really? You have stories that rival having a threesome with the two best friends of the guy your kinda seeing? Thats impressive.
how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
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