You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
I dig being used for consequence free sex. Not consequenceful sex.
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
Randomize
