and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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