I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
You make homosexuality sound like a cult.
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
Randomize
