She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
Randomize
