This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
Night is still young. Puking guts out part of it just began
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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