honestly, who buys weed with an unemployment check?
you.
oh yeah. preciate
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
5 am booty call.. And I went I need to gain better control of my vagina
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
We're high and this subject came up and I'd like a female opinion: if you were a dude, what would you do if a girl tried to give you a foot job?
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
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