She cried. My mom screams. And nut went everywhere. It was all around a bad situation.
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
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