I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
i think i figured out where our problem might have started...when we poured more tequila on top of out margaritas to melt the ice bc they were too cold
hahaha or putting rum in the bbq sauce?
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
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