I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
see you put your penis in her and it's like an ignition key to start the crazy
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
organizing the empties. That sober.
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
He busted his lip while trying to keep from passing out in the pool. The hotel people don't seem to be too concerned that we're passing around a bottle of SoCo at 11 am.
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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