i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
So this girl in my math class just went to the bathroom, tampon in hand, comes back with it still in her hand starts digging around in her purse, takes her thing of birthcontrol out, goes oh fuck, and downs the rest of the pills. Got to love college.
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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