Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
how should I feel if a guy kept complimenting my bangs while I was giving him a blowjob?
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
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