Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
just got a girls number while on a 5 am adderall cig break this is college at its finest
He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
Enjoy the penises
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
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