you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
Randomize
