Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
All I know is that I woke up with my pajamas on inside out in front of a bowl of watered down kd. Sitting up. I didn't even make it to bed.
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
Randomize
