Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
Currently tripping balls and watching Pink Floyd the wall and I'm crying during it. If this isn't a self realization then I don't know what to tell you.
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