Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
If it makes you feel better, you're better at taking it in than ass than she is...
Well...yeah actually, that does make me feel better
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
Randomize
