I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
Last I saw him was around 10 this morning. He was passed out on the porch with his head under the barbeque cover and there were cups of orange juice around him as well as loose tobacco spread everywhere. Good luck getting a hold of him.
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
You're right, I'd say my real all time low was when I let that fifteen-year-old feel my boob.
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
Randomize
