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but i got with him after midnight so its technically 2 days
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
So, my first week in Saskatchewan ended with me drinking moonshine and getting eaten out in a tractor. I already love it here!
Randomize
