I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
I made him laugh his dick is mine
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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