if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
As shirtless as possible
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
Well when we Get drunk it gets rowdy. We could always attempt self-control. But historically and statistically speaking, we fail at that.
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
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