Acid is not a monday night drug
you didnt know i had herpes?
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
I got it! After our exam we take shots for every question we skipped!!!
I don't wanna die...
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
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