Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
oh fat girl friday strikes again...
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
Randomize
