if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
"what do u think of parents raising kids to be peeping toms" said guy on bus 2 me
About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
They'd unbutton the overalls with their lesbian-tongues. It wouldn't even be a problem.
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
Randomize
