I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
In Canada she would be a 10 but here in America she's only a 7
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
These freshmen are fun! The redhead wants to practice her blowjob skills with me and let me rate different moves!
Randomize
