maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
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