a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
It's weekends like this that make it obvious why we have to pay to come to college.
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
he squeezed my boobs like he didn't know what else to do with them, then turned down head...
told you he was gay.
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
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