I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
I don't want to talk about it. He was like the Little Engine that couldn't get me off.
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
i cant do it anymore.. every time this girl orgasms she sounds like a motorcycle
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
Randomize
