I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
So it wasn't until I came that he pointed out the glow in the dark plastic star still stuck to my forehead. Fun times.
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
Randomize
