Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
You know your in college when you decide house chores with games of beer pong...
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
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