Oral text is very safe with the right protection.
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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