I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
Yes. Hungover. All the boys are going wakeboarding. Boys only. I wish I was a gay guy so I could go wakeboarding but still suck dick.
Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
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