Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
Randomize
