I dunno... she just cried a lot and I kept sighing.
I fuked that chick last night and she kept saying, "oh...oh....oh", like Bill Lumberg
so what did you do?
I did the mash I did the monster mash It was a graveyard smash!
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
