I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
Disgusting. If I saw her naked my dick would pack up his balls and leave.
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
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