he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
Randomize
