Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
Hawaiian shirts and no dignity
We are always on the same wavelength...kinda eerie.
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
Randomize
