Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
She tied me to her bed using her honor chords. Thank god for graduation!
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
Randomize
