My place. Tomorrow Night. Bring your liver, and something for it to do.
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
he was pretty good aside from the whole putting his tongue on my butt thing
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
Dude I had my dad cock block me once
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