i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
