Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
It sucks..Now I'm depressed because appearence wise, she's the closest to my favorite pornstar I'll ever get..
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
Quick question, when did I develop feelings, and how can I make them go away?
That's two questions.
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
on a brighter note, the cop thought i could kick adams ass if it came down to that and said he had $20 on me if it ever happens
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
Randomize
