sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
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