How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
Randomize
