I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
I am 100% positive that I have seen a porno that was shot in this bar.
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Randomize
