i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
Last night dinner was cinnamon buns and whiskey. At least tonight I had a fajita with my cookies and tequila. I may be a little stressed about these end of semester tests.
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
so i ran into nick. i may be more gay than anticipated
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
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