I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
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