I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
I'm watching porn in spanish. Thats studying right?
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
We did it to 80's cardio music. Talk about a workout.
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
Randomize
